I had a hard day yesterday. It was not a “get easy things done” type of day as Monday was. Monday I grocery shopped and did laundry and cleaned the house. Not exactly glamorous tasks, but they were easy tasks for me.
Yesterday was a different story.
I have this growing list of things that I NEED TO DO but DON’T WANT TO DO.
- Calling doctor’s offices and insurance companies to sort out some medical stuff.(Don’t worry Mom, I am fine. It is all routine).
- Finding periodicals and devotionals to which I should submit my writing. (Sounds exciting, but FEELS super scary and overwhelming).
- Trying to decide what would be the cheapest and best option that would allow my daughter to come work out at the gym with me.
Should I pay a good bit extra for her to come to the nice but expensive gym across town that I haven’t visited in two months but I still really love and don’t want to hurt their feelings? (Yes, I just said that. I don’t want to hurt the feelings of the folks at my gym because I fall in friendship love with people like that and don’t want to let them down. Therapy much?)
Or should we join the cheap gym near the house which dear daughter will bug me to go to multiple times a week? Even though that means I will still have months on a contract at another place and will be paying two gyms at the same time? Now I could also visit two gyms for this period of time, but this almost feels like adultery to me. Again, therapy much?
I needed to take action on all of these issues yesterday. I needed to take action on at least one of these issues yesterday.
But you know what I did? I binge-watched “Fixer Upper” for hours. The houseboat episode was my favorite. I am not obsessed with houseboats. Who needs antidepressants or a gym when you live on the water?
Except binge-watching “Fixer Upper” didn’t solve anything. It was just the way I chose to avoid my life yesterday.
I went to bed feeling depressed because I still had these list of problems in addition to the feeling maybe they were too big for me to handle. Otherwise, why would I avoid them so much?
This morning a friend checked on me to see how I was doing. I admitted I was struggling a little with resistance and avoiding the obstacles in front of me. We joked a little.
And then somehow I decided that
the only way through was through.
So I pushed back against the resistance and started chipping away at the pile of rocks in front of me.
- I called some doctors’ offices. None of the ones I talked to today take my insurance or will even accept private pay, which frankly stinks, but at least now I know more than I did yesterday.
- I called my insurance company. They gave me the name of some Docs that my crappy insurance plan will actually pay for.
- I also asked my insurance company about my anti-depressant which has recently doubled in price. They told me that the drug company decided to up the cost. On the generic. Because they do that sometimes. Good luck with that sucker and don’t forget to pay your deductible which goes to cover, actually I have no idea what it covers for me right now, but that is another story. *I may have yelled a little during this exchange, but sometimes anger is your friend. It helps you tackle the big boulders.
- I picked up my overpriced anti-depressant at the drug store. I paid the money because, and this is important . . . YOU NEVER SUDDENLY QUIT TAKING YOUR ANTIDEPRESSANT. NEVER. Even if you have to eat ramen for a month to pay for it. Even if you have to go back to your Doc and beg for samples. Fortunately, I don’t have to do those things. I just have to give up Starbucks and Chick-fil-a for a while. But the point is, ALWAYS TAKE YOUR MEDS FRIENDS!!! I have unfortunately seen what happens to folks when they quit their meds suddenly because of money, etc. and it is not a pretty sight. You don’t want to go there.
- I even did some research on devotionals and periodicals that are accepting submissions. There was no flashing light telling me which ones to submit to. In fact, I will probably end up subscribing to a few that sound interesting to see how they read and feel for a while. But that is okay.
As you can see I solved very few of my problems today. I still have a list of To-Dos. And some of my efforts had pretty crappy endings.
But the pile of obstacles in front of me is a little smaller. And I feel a little more empowered and in control of my life.
The resistance is fading away.
Even if things are hard and don’t have easy answers, still
So tomorrow I will take another hour or two to chip away at the pile of The HARD TO-DOS. I may still be working on some of them next week. Or even next month.
The point is to keep moving.
As my favorite TV character, Jemma Simmons from Marvels Agents of Shield (someone who has certainly found her way through lots of obstacles) says,
The Steps You Take Don’t Need To Be Big, They Just Need to Take You In The Right Direction.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I might reward myself for taking all the steps by binge-watching some Shield.